1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize