Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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