nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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