so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
