i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
