The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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