I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
