i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
