No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
