Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He felt like a one man threesome
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
