Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
