Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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