If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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