Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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