i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
