Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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