apparently the secret to your success is patron
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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