Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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