she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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