I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
