you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
