dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
