She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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