Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
