so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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