So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize