he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
