Where is the hickey?
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
i think my cat just said my name.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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