I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
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