When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
