well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
