Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
