Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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