she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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