Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
