watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize
