I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
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