I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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