this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
