Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
