i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
P.S. I can't hear my feet
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
