She's JV to your varsity
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
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