I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
