trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
