If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
