oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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