who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
