I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Your cock deserves a montage
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
