I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
