mondays should just be called national damage control day
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
