pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
