If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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