i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
