I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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