I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
