I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
