in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Randomize
