i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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