She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Randomize