Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
