I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
