Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
