I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
