i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
